TRIGGER WARNING: Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault
For those who haven't experienced domestic violence, it can be difficult to fully understand the magnitude of the problem. However, it is important to recognize that domestic violence is a serious issue that affects millions of people worldwide, and we all have a role to play in ending it.
It is important to educate ourselves on the signs of domestic violence and how to be supportive if someone we know is experiencing it. This may include listening without judgment, offering practical support, and helping the survivor access resources and services.
It is also important to be aware of the harmful attitudes and beliefs that perpetuate domestic violence, such as victim-blaming or minimizing the impact of abuse. By challenging these beliefs and promoting a culture of respect and equality, we can work to prevent domestic violence from happening in the first place.
Additionally, we can support organizations and initiatives that work to end domestic violence and support survivors. This may include donating to local shelters or advocacy groups, volunteering our time or resources, or advocating for policy changes that prioritize the safety and well-being of survivors.
Ultimately, ending domestic violence requires a collective effort from all of us. By standing up against abuse, supporting survivors, and promoting a culture of respect and equality, we can work towards a world free from violence and fear.
Today, on the 5 year Anniversary of my assault, I'm here to share with you what I wrote at 3am the morning after, so that I would have a clear recollection when I needed it.
April 20th, 2018
I got home from work, and got ready to go out to celebrate [his] coworker on his last day at the company, he was leaving for a new job.
[He] had two IPAS, and a Vegas Bomb, and I am not positive but I believe I saw them do a tequila shot.
I had three mixed drinks, and water between.
This was over the span of about 4-5 hours.
We also had food, and since we were there for so long, I calculated that I was sober enough to drive us to pick up his other coworker friend and her husband so that we could all head over to his brother's house for a late-night barbecue/get together, to celebrate his brother moving into his new house.
During the barbecue [he] started acting out and making rude comments about our sex-life and about how I was failing as a girlfriend.
A guy I had never met was uncomfortable with the way [he] talked to me, so he spoke up, which made [him] more angry.
I decide that I would rather end my night early, and since we had taken my car, I decide to head home.
I say goodbye to everyone and [he] starts screaming at me to leave, and that no one wanted me there.
I disregard him, and I leave him behind.
He tries calling me, about four or five times, but I ignore the calls and go home to our apartment knowing he should be safe at his brother's.
I get home at 10:30.
I wash my face.
I go to bed.
I wake up around 12:30am to [him] banging on the door.
I have no idea how he made it home.
I don't remember how the conversation started, but I remember him getting even more frustrated at me for disagreeing with him, and not wanting him to touch me after the disrespect from earlier.
He tries to force himself on me, claiming he is just trying to be affectionate, I ask him to stop and wiggle my way free, but he doesn't stop, he gets more aggressive and angry with me that he isn't getting his way.
He starts trying to wrestle me, saying,
"I'm your boyfriend, if I want sex, I get sex."
I'm doing all that I can to fight my way out of his grasp, trying to pull at his ears with my free hands, trying to pry his hands off of me, using my legs to try and distract him so that I can free my arms completely for defense.
When I finally manage to free my arms, we are running into the bedroom furniture as he tries to overcome me again.
Im standing at the foot of the bed when he pushes me onto the bed from behind and puts me into a headlock squeezing so hard that I can barely breathe.
He tried to pull down my pants, and my underwear.
I start getting nervous, thinking that he is going to rape me, and possibly kill me.
I'm starting to feel light headed, I'm now unable to breathe, and he says into my ear,
The only thing I can think of as my hands are pinned at my sides is to grab him by the testicles and squeeze HARD.
It works and my neck is freed, followed by him being even more pissed and throws me around in his pain, my side thrown into our dresser before he comes after me again, but before he can touch me, I'm able to grab one of the college textbooks from my dresser and use it to fight back. It threw him off balance and I'm able pin him to the ground, using my arm to hold his neck down, and my knees to keep his body down.
I needed time to breathe and think about how to get out of this alive. He's still fighting me, he starts clawing at my arms with his nails before he sinks his teeth into my forearm.
I can feel my arm tingling, and he immediately calms, I can only guess that he could taste that he drew blood, and realized the severity of what was happening.
He verbally starts to shift the blame to me, pointing at his knuckles that are bloody, from my trying to pry his hands off of me, as if I was the one hurting him.
I pointed to the teeth marks in my forearm, yelling at him.
He starts getting emotional, tears falling down his face begging me not to call the cops, or tell his family.
I made a quick jolt for my phone and ran to the bathroom to lock myself in.
He's angry again, pounding on the door, yelling at me for ruining his life.
I start blaming myself for not seeing the signs sooner, I blame myself for getting into this living situation. How could he be this terrible when the good days are so good?
I make the poor decision not to call the police, not wanting to "ruin" his life.
I called his brother who we had just visited that night, asked him to come and get [him] from the apartment. I sent pictures of my arm, and told him, [he] was too drunk and I didn't feel safe.
[He] begins crying outside of the bathroom door promising me he would never put his hands on me again, and to please not bring legal matters into this. [He] claims that he truly "loves" me and that he wants to marry me.
I told him that I was done. I would not stand for the abuse, and that I don't love him anymore, and could never marry someone like him who thinks that it is okay to put their hands on someone like this.
From inside the locked bathroom, I yell at him to leave the apartment, and he continues to try and beat on the door.
I'm being more polite than he deserves, he continues to refuse to leave.
I hear him walk away, I open the door to find him puking in the kitchen trash can, in between heaves yelling at me that he "hates" me.
I'm trying to find an escape route past the kitchen to the front door so I could get into my car and leave.
He moves from the trashcan to the kitchen sink.
I make it from the bathroom to the bedroom to try and grab my keys first and notice him run to the bathroom, now puking in the bathroom.
He notices too quickly that I have moved and corners me back in the bedroom yelling at me that he hates me.
He refuses to let me pass before he screams at me to "just go" and passes out on the bed.
His brother finally shows up, I explain to him what happened.
His girlfriend helped me pack an overnight bag, and took me back to their place to spend the night somewhere I could feel safe until the next morning.
His girlfriend tells me that she will come with me to get ready and not be alone in case he is still there in the morning, so I could pack a bag to drive to stay with my family in Tehachapi.
This is merely a glimpse at my experience. Domestic violence is a scourge that affects millions of people worldwide, regardless of gender or social status. It is a silent epidemic that leaves countless victims in its wake, and the sad truth is that most cases go unreported. If you are a survivor of domestic violence, you know firsthand the fear, shame, and guilt that come with this experience. You are not alone.
Domestic violence is far more common than most people realize. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, one in four women and one in nine men will experience some form of domestic violence in their lifetime. That means that there are millions of people out there who are suffering in silence, too afraid to speak up or seek help.
But domestic violence is not just a problem for women. Men also experience abuse at the hands of their partners, and their stories often go untold. In fact, a survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that while one in three women have experienced domestic violence at the hands of an intimate partner, nearly one in four men have also experienced physical violence by an intimate partner.
Yet, despite the prevalence of domestic violence, survivors are often met with two questions that are hurtful and unhelpful: "Why didn't you tell anyone?" and "Why didn't you leave?" These questions imply that the survivor is somehow at fault for not speaking up or leaving the abusive relationship. They also overlook the complex dynamics of domestic violence, which can make it extremely difficult for a survivor to take action.
For many survivors, speaking up about the abuse can be terrifying. They may fear retaliation from their abuser, or they may worry that they will not be believed or taken seriously. They may also feel ashamed or guilty for what has happened to them. It is important to remember that these feelings are normal and valid, and that survivors should never be blamed for their abuse.
Leaving an abusive relationship is also easier said than done. Survivors may be financially dependent on their abuser, or they may have children or other family members who are at risk if they leave. They may also feel trapped or isolated, with no one to turn to for help. It is important to offer survivors support and resources, rather than judgment or criticism. For more information regarding Financial Abuse, and Financial abuse resources please visit -
If you are a survivor of domestic violence, know that you are not alone. There are resources available to help you, including hotlines, shelters, and support groups. You deserve to live a life free from violence and fear, and there are people who are ready and willing to help you on that journey. And if you know someone who may be experiencing domestic violence, remember to offer support and compassion, rather than judgment or blame. Together, we can work to end domestic violence and create a safer, more just world for everyone.
As a survivor, I would like to take this opportunity to ask that those who feel so inclined, to please consider making a donation to a Domestic Violence Charity of your choice to help those who are not and have not been as fortunate as I have been in my journey, and hope that sharing just a bit from my own traumatic experience will help those who have never experienced it just a small look at one situation, and to give others who have experienced it, the courage to speak up whenever they are ready to confront their own traumas.
Please see a list of Domestic Violence Charities you can donate to below:
These organizations work to support survivors of domestic violence and provide resources for education, prevention, and advocacy. By donating to one or more of these charities, you can help make a real difference in the lives of survivors and contribute to ending domestic violence.